The Royal Naval Surgeon!

[tr7v8]

During a visit to a British Dependency in the Pacific by HMS Venus, a matelot on shore leave gets drunk and has unprotected sex with an islander.

A week after arriving back home he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green patches and evil looking purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his BUPA doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted an incurable form of tropical VD. It's almost unheard of. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says, 'Well, give me a penicillin jab or something.' The doctor gives him jabs, pills, and ointments and asks him to return after his penis has had an Xray, CT scan, and various probes.

The sailor endures all these toe-curling tests with numerous Consultant visits at huge cost to his insurance.

After several weeks he is due to sail so he goes to the BUPA doctor for a definitive answer.

The doctor answers, 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a another opinion!'

The doctor replies, 'Well, go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice as it will only get worse.'

The sailor is due back on ship the following day so he waits to see the ship's surgeon and shows him his problem.

The surgeon takes one look at his penis and proclaims, 'Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear; South Sea Pox. This is very very rare, quite spectacular, and has not been seen since the days of wooden ships and iron men. I must take some photographs, smears, and a blood sample. Then write a report and send it to the Admiralty.'

The matelot says to the officer, 'I already know its very rare but what can we do? My BUPA doctors want to amputate it!'

The ship's surgeon shakes his head and sighs, 'Well what do you expect from private medicine? They run test after test so they make more money. Whilst incurable, there is no medical need to amputate.'

‘Oh, thank you sir! If I was aboard on not on shore leave I would have seen you and all my concerns and worries I have had over the past month or so would have been unnecessary!'

'Well, not really,' says the Navy Surgeon, 'after a few months it will fall off all by itself.'

[Andrew]

[sam]

he he