Scottish Wedding
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
-- The bartender was almost crushed to death.
SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..
-- A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Lance Armstrong
I think it is just terrible and
ing how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he's achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst he was on drugs.-- When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.
Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
-- Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick bastard!!
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
-- I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
Scam
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
-- Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
-- "For cryin' out loud! If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"