Porsche Enthusiasts Club Forum

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

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Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and..! .
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.!

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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did ! the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
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Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
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And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

awesome..... i think i know some of those people

i think i'm one of them

excellent

they're good and they reminded me of this one, it goes on a bit but the helpline guy got there in te end

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line. Needless to say
the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing
the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."

"... Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."

"... Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power cut "

"A power... A power cut? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Priceless. Needed that cheers.

Its a long read but worth it

Had a classic last week. Customer phone's up saying his new tv set's faulty because when a programme announcement say's "digital viewers can press the red button now" for something, he presses it and the tv switches off! I ask if he's pressing the red button next to the green, yellow and blue ones. "No" he says, "the one at the top right of the remote". I had to politely inform him "that's the standby button sir, the one you switch the tv on and off with"

you should have politely told him to pack it back in the box, take it back to the shop and tell them that he's to stupid to own a tv

Also how come after 20ish years in the TV and electrical trade I still find, out of the older generation, the husbands get the wives to program the recorders and generally get them to sort out using the remotes. When I demonstrate any new equipment I've installed it's "show the wife, I leave all that upto her" attitude.

Pfft, If they were real men theyd grab a beer and just jab buttons. If they were my dad they would jab the same button repeatedly just harder and harder before throwing it at the device in question :/

So true, especially when the batteries have run out of life, theyed rather keep hitting buttons harder or I've even seen people get off the sofa and get right up close to the tv set instead of changing the batteries in the remote Just put me down if I get like that.

Haha - classic

that's because down there in sleepy somerset the men can't be doing with this new fangled stuff, they've got to climb aboard their massey fergusons and work the land to the kick ass sounds of the wurzels blasting out from the eight track. in the mean time their women folk are back at the farm house baking cakes (whilst secretly watching jeremy kyle) ooo aarr

whilst secretly watching jeremy kyle

'All creatures great and small' more like, and I had another numnut today, pressing the record button on his PVR instead of the bl***yRED button at the bottom of the remote aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh take these people away, far far away.