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I have lifted this from our company intranet system thing -

THIS WAS INDEED SENT to David Miliband from...........

NIGEL JOHNSON-HILL, PARK FARM, MILLAND, LIPHOOK GU30 7JT



Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State.
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London
SW1P 3JR



16 July 2009



Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs.. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.


Yours faithfully,


Nigel Johnson-Hill

Truly excellent.... dont you just love some of the red tape and when people point it out to the idiots that support it.

I wonder if these credits are retrospective. I have not been raising pigs for years, or cows, or indeed any form of livestock. I must be due a huge rebate on my next tax return?

about sums it up mind you we all are aware of people who have been paid lots of dosh for doing nufink all their lives and some do raise pigs aka hoodies or am i just having a bad friday good news the rain has stopped

Thats why all the farmers round my way drive new Range Rovers.

Apparently they also pay a grant for " not posting on forums " thats why I'll never be rich

when I get my ducks can I get a grant for not having more?????

The Grant system is mental. We have a situation now of food shortages caused by changing weather paterns. 90% of the food for this country is now imported. But the government/EU are still paying farmers not to produce things! Some farmers have got very rich off the back of foot & mouth. The people in the ministry have no idea what farm animals are worth so the farmer puts in a silly claim (3 times what they were worth.) And gets it. Thats our money Too many fools fresh out of uni get jobs they don't have the experience or knowledge to do.

oooh yes a floating duckhuose I forgot about that !!! How big or little a pond can i do by the way???

remember though some of your tax goes on paying Me and Dek, it also pays for the care we give, if we could have some of the extra free cash that goes to the farmers to do nothing, I really could make the lives of some very ill older people a lot better. people like the guy who was buried last week, union flag on his coffin, medals on the flag, one of the first people throught the gates at auschwitz, fought his way across europe so none of us HAVE to speak German if we dont want to. he desrved the very best we could give him and thats is what he got but imagine what we could have given him with half or a third or even 1% of the money we are paying farmers across europe to not grow and not produce.

Thing is we wouldnt be able to keep the price up then would we? or we would have loads of spare food that we would have to dump in the sea like the yanks do every year to keep the price up, doesnt matter if half of Africa starves, Must keep the grain prices up for the jolly old custodians of the countryside. where would the landscape of britain be without some ruddy faced inbreed dressed in green shouting "get orf my land" and blasting innocent wildlife to bits, whilst his wife goes to the shops in the ssanyon musso running on red diesel and he drives across the fields in a kia with a "keep britain farming but bugger the British car industry" sticker in the back?

And if my brother is reading this, how is the farm these days Ali?? and where's my brace of pheasants??

And those stickers saying "keep britain farming" really do bug me, always in the back of something not made in Britain !!!!!!!!!!!

i have 1 pork in the garage, does that warrant anything ?

You never see a poor Farmer.

You know why now.I wonder how many other cheques they get for ' not doing ' something

Yup - I'll crib that letter and send it in myself. Worth a punt!!