---------- Nearly had sex with a ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement! That's when I thought - Hang on just a minute! ________________________________ I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm, bless him. I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?" He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb." Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward, init?" "Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."
________________________________ I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster. ________________________________
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation? "No, just here for a few days." ________________________________ As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done." ________________________________ I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night. Or "foreplay", as she likes to call it. ________________________________ After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday. Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better. So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on. ________________________________ I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered - the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30. ________________________________ "Jesus Loves You." Nice to hear in church - but not in a Mexican prison. ________________________________ I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a man sneaking through next door's garden. Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished, I got back into bed. My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."
|