Porsche Enthusiasts Club Forum

> Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
>
> Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police
> station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and
> try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this
> meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal,
> carrier pigeon or ouji board.
>
> As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments
> (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off
> Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
> which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of
> a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings
> throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and
> as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will
> end any time soon.
>
> The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through
> several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so
> thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw
> and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear
> that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention
> to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two
> bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs
> off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to
> lend them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up
> half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
>
>
> What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless
> assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
> why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
> when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
> before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of
> course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually
> look like.
>
> I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these
> throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
> start before coming to arrest me.
>
> I remain sir, your obedient servant
> ?????????
>
>
>
> Mr ??????,
>
> I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
> caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have
> encountered in trying to contact the police.
>
> As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
> offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
>
> Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
> (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
>
> Regards
>
> PC ???
> ?????????????
> Community Beat Officer
>
>
>
>
>
> Dear PC ?????
>
> First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
> original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
> Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details
> to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
>
> Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community
> beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
> skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I
> have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep
> undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the
> acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a
> wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are
> headhunted by MI5.
>
> Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place
> in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due
> care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain
> (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats
> that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The
> pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting
> distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
>
> Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
> contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to
> answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
>
> Regards
> ???????
>
> P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you
> don't work for the cleansing department.